Caught your kid lying, cheating, or stealing?

Of course, especially with little ones, imaginary friends often engage in pretend (and false) actions. This is necessary for play and is an indication of creativity and imagination. However, when you ask your preschooler if she made her bed and she tells you that she did but her “friend” must have messed it up, it’s time to teach her the difference between playful teasing and lying in order to avoid responsibility for completing a task or for misbehavior.

What to do:
If you catch your child in a whopper, try not to overreact or give unwarranted attention to the misdeed. Understand the child’s motivations and reasons for the lie — was it to get out of doing a chore, to avoid punishment for breaking an object, or a call for extra attention? Let him know that you care about his behavior as well as his needs, and that not only do you want to understand them but that you want him to understand his behavior as well. The goal is to help your child to develop a sense of conscience — so that he can be his own guide in the future when you are not always present to supervise his actions.

Also, recognize that not only are your children watching you when you are altruistic, honest and caring, but they have very annoying radar when it comes to noticing your indiscretions. They are watching your behavior and how honest you are.  So, the next time you consider trying to talk your way out of receiving a traffic ticket, telling a telephone solicitor that you’re just the baby-sitter and the occupant of the house is not at home or lying about your kid’s age to get the reduced rate ticket at Disney World — reconsider! It’s confusing to kids to see their folks fudging, fibbing and telling even “white lies.”  It’s hypocritical at best and can be downright harmful. The lesson of “do what I say but not what I do” just doesn’t cut it when trying to teach kids honesty and truthfulness. You must live it in order to get the message across clearly to your children.

Stealing
Try this one on for size: Your 3-year-old is getting the reputation at pre-school of not just “borrowing” classroom materials, but of pilfering blocks, toy cars and supplies and stuffing them in her lunchbox to sneak home at the end of the day. You wonder if your kid is a budding kleptomaniac and what in the world you could have done to promote such behavior. Well, probably nothing, as being a bit sticky-fingered is not unusual for little kids.

For many pre-schoolers the operating rule seems to be “what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine also.” Although your 5-year-old can give a short lecture on knowing what’s right and what’s wrong, the true internalization of ethical behavior is still somewhat shaky at this age. These kids are still in the process of developing a true conscience.  Combine that with little kid impulsiveness and it can be difficult for some children to leave the school toys in the classroom, to not take a friend’s action figure when visiting nor refrain from stuffing that enticing pack of gum in his pocket as you check out at the grocery store.

Another motivation for stealing, especially for older children, is to keep up with the Jones’ kid.  It’s tough believing that you’re the only child in the universe who doesn’t have the latest Play Station 2 game and many children will steal to fit in with their peers and their possessions. Stealing may seem to be the only way to keep up with them, especially when the birthday seems so far away. Also, many preteens and teens will begin shoplifting to not only secure items for themselves, but to give them to buddies in an effort to buy friendships.

What to do:
View your child’s stealing as a teachable moment — an opportunity to instruct right from wrong. Of course, have the child return the taken object and offer an apology.  In addition, use this incident to confirm your family’s code of ethics. Say, “In our family we do not steal from others. It does not matter whether the object is expensive or cheap, or whether you are taking it from a store or an individual. We are proud of our honesty, we wouldn’t want anyone to steal from us, and we expect you to behave accordingly.”

Recognize your child’s impulsive tendencies and need to fit in with the crowd — but offer reasonable, effective alternatives to stealing. Consider starting an allowance system or chore chart so that he can earn money to buy what he wants. Help him to learn how to save so that he can purchase what’s really important by budgeting his money, as well as learning to delay gratification.

And, as always, watch your own behavior.  If you are undercharged for an item at a store, not only bring it to the cashier’s attention, but also make your child aware of the situation. If you find a wallet or a purse, return it and let your child be a part of the process. Let her see how good it feels to do the right thing, even if it was tempting to keep the money for yourself. This is a great teachable moment — when your child can see that you chose to be honest when you could have paid less for an item goes a long way toward instilling your family’s code of ethics in a solid manner.

Morality is often a work in progress — especially for children. Many adults, even, have not themselves accepted the concept that honesty is the best policy. So, try not to overreact when your child does slip up and behave in a less-than-honest manner. Try to understand the behavior, offer a consequence or a way of fixing the problem, keep your lecture to 25 words or less, and most of all — use the moment to teach your child where you and your family stand in terms of honesty and trustworthiness.

Dr. Ruth Peters is a clinical psychologist and regular contributor to “Today.” For more information you can visit her Web site at www.ruthpeters.com. Copyright ©2006 by Ruth A. Peters, Ph.D. All rights reserved.

PLEASE NOTE: The information in this column should not be construed as providing specific psychological or medical advice, but rather to offer readers information to better understand the lives and health of themselves and their children. It is not intended to provide an alternative to professional treatment or to replace the services of a physician, psychiatrist or psychotherapist.

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