Raising your kids: 5 tactics that really work!

Dr. Ruth Peters TODAY contributor • Profile • E-mail

I sincerely hope that 2007 was a great year for you and the kids, with lots of fun, learning and growing closer as a family. At this time of year, though, we need to take a gander at what we’ve accomplished with our children, as well as an introspective look at what still needs to be changed in the coming year.

Nope, we’re not going to talk about starting a new exercise plan, a diet or losing that last 10 pounds. We’re here to take a look at parenting resolutions that I’d like your family to consider for 2008, some of the most important aspects of parenting that will lead to the greatest payoff in terms of building good values, obtaining personal satisfaction as a kid or a parent and making the necessary changes you've been longing for in your family environment.

Let’s keep it simple and focus on five, beginning with one of my favorites:

Don’t major in the minors
Five small words that speak volumes: Let the small stuff go! I’m sure that if you look back over the past 12 months you’ll remember lots of arguments and fusses that really amounted to nothing or very little. A rule of thumb that I’ve tried to use with my own family as well as my clients is that “If it won’t have a lasting effect beyond a few days, let it go.” Sound too simplistic? Perhaps in some cases, but most of the time it’s a sanity saver. I’ve never heard of a kid being harmed by skipping the tooth brushing for a few nights, or by not using soap in the shower, or by the bed actually being made only on sheet-changing days. Or, if your son is too tired to complete the homework once in a while, you may let him get up early the next morning and finish the math problems.

What is important, though, is that your focus is upon the important things, which may be different from your neighbor’s list of priorities. In your house having dinner together at least three or four times a week may be important as it helps keep communication cooking and children eating some nutritious foods. Your family code of values (what’s major, not minor) may involve sticking with rules about cell phone usage, not sneaking around and actually being where you say you will be, abstinence from substance use, etc. It’s different for everyone, but try to focus upon issues that involve education, safety, avoidance of illegal activities and hanging around decent kids. If your daughter wants to try blue streaks in her hair, perhaps that’s a possibility in the summer when it won’t be so embarrassing if it’s a disaster. Roll with some of the requests, compromise when possible, but stick to your guns on the big stuff.

Assume your home is wired to a nanny-cam
Trust me; I know how easy it is to forget about gratitude, politeness and manners at home! On a daily basis it’s often a drama including short tempers, difficult kids, demanding parents and spouses who send each other service messages rather than truly communicating (pick up the cleaning, walk the dog … not “How was your day?”). That’s normal, but not nice. And, you can do a better job just by “assuming” that your associates and friends will see your home videos and get a real look at how the family treats each other. Being “on tape” is a great motivator for watching your language (knocking off the negative tone of voice, requesting rather than demanding, cleaning up the four-letter words and just being more polite with your spouse and kids).

If you don’t believe the power of assuming you’re on tape, actually set up a camcorder for one evening when everyone’s at home and you’re trying to negotiate dinner, homework chores and who gets first access to the remote control. Then, take a look at your family’s production. Is it something that you’d like Margaret at the office to see? How about your mother-in law — would she approve or go into “I told you so …” mode? At the very least, it’s a fun activity, but hopefully you’ll see where some improvements in common courtesy, politeness and body language need to occur.

Put guilt in its place — generally in the trash can!
Guilt can be a handy and useful motivator when necessary — “If your friend finds out that you’re gossiping about her, she may not want to play with you again” makes sense, and helps to teach your child that there are consequences attached to her words or behaviors. Go for guilt, when it’s being used for a teachable moment. However, parents tend to fall too quickly, too deeply and too often into the guilt mode when kids are involved. Parents hate, yes, hate, to disappoint their children, and we’d probably be able to uncover an evolutionary basis for that feeling if we were to take the time to analyze it. But, just as we no longer really need our gallbladder, tonsils or last year’s fruitcake, many guilt moments are no longer of value either.

Saying no to a kid is a disappointment, but it can also be a teachable moment. Children must learn to tolerate frustration, to learn to work for greater goals rather than to expect all to come to them in the present, and to evolve into a being that accepts and understands another’s point of view. Do not, and let me repeat — do not cave in to nagging, negotiating and complaining when you truly disagree with the kid’s request just to avoid feeling bad about it. She’ll get over her anger before you even begin to work through your guilt.

As you’re feeling awful as a parent and obsessing upon whether your stand was fair, she’s most likely moving on and considering how to sit next to the cute guy in World History. Kids are resilient — it’s really difficult to get them down, and they are often pros at knowing how to push your guilt button proficiently. Grow a spine and try to put budding guilt feelings in their place as soon as you perceive that the kid got to you and your feelings of remorse are beginning to blossom. Remember, if your decision is fair, then your guilty feelings are probably irrational. Illogical, but probably par for the course for the parent who just wants the kid to love them!

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