In game of love, surprising sex rules may apply

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Sexploration — By Brian Alexander

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America Unzipped

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Much to his surprise, Liz was enthusiastic. “Her reaction was a solid ‘Yeah! That sounds great!' Later, I began to think about the implications. Did it mean I had just given my girlfriend permission to [have sex with] other guys?”

That is exactly what Kevin had done, so more conversation ensued and the rules were established. But as both Liz and Kevin admit, theory is one thing, practice another. After Kevin traveled to California on business and had sex with another woman, he told Liz about it, as both had promised they would do under the rules. But she was surprised by her reaction. "I was really angry with him and I had not expected that,” Liz recalls. “I do not know why, but I was more upset than I thought I would be.”

So it was back to the drawing board. Now there is no intercourse with any third party either in-state or out, whether over the continental divide, east of the Mississippi, or even in another hemisphere, unless they are together.

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Kevin says the rules are a work-in-progress. “There are some things I have not had to face,” he explains. “Liz has not gone out and had intercourse without me. Under current legislation, she is not allowed, that’s not part of our guidelines. But if she decided she wanted to, I will be interested in what my reaction will be.” There would be a discussion and a binding decision based on circumstances.

Where to draw the line?
Both say their rules are revisited often, but that revisions can led to confusion. “If one of us goes out to a bar and meets some honey, we can make out, touch, do lots of fooling around, but no intercourse,” Kevin says. “Oral is acceptable.”

Liz, on the other hand, says, “Oral? Boy that’s a gray area. That would be probably not be OK, but we have never really drawn the line.”

Whether people wish to be as flexible as Kevin and Liz, they do set a good example in one way, say relationship experts. They talk about sex.

Studies of swinging couples by social scientists indicate that people leading even more challenging and potentially difficult experimental sex lives than Liz and Kevin do can manage if they communicate.

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A British team at the University of Sussex, for example, concluded that swingers “highlighted the importance of discussion and negotiation to develop a shared couple identity and shared rules and boundaries that allowed them to manage jealousy so that they could better enjoy swinging. Rather than seeking to eliminate jealousy, swingers may manage their feelings of jealousy in order to increase sexual excitement and arousal.”

That’s a lesson for everybody.

Brian Alexander is the author of the new book “America Unzipped: In Search of Sex and Satisfaction."

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