Bugs in your iPhone? Blame Mercury!

Helen A.S. Popkin

Internet Astrology doyenne Susan Miller isn’t surprised the Hubble repair mission scheduled for early this month had to be postponed due to yet another malfunction on the space telescope.

Likewise, the best-selling author and talent behind AstrologyZone.com is unfazed to hear that due to an electrical malfunction, CERN shut down the Large Hadron Collider just nine days after it started. As for that hole in the Adobe software that allowed Amazon users to download and copy movies for free … well something like that was bound to happen.

C’mon, people! What did you expect? Mercury is in retrograde!

“I wish they’d called me first,” Miller says, laughing as Technotica lists those three major malfunctions in a recent telephone interview.

Even the most casual horoscope reader knows that according to Western astrological tenets, when the planet closest to the sun appears to reverse orbit, things go kaflooie — especially technology and communication, which Mercury “rules.” Computers crash, e-mails get lost, TVs go on the fritz, so they say. Those in the know expect to lose cell phone signals, or their phone altogether.

All of which is complete unadulterated hogwash, according to scientist, educator and author Dr. Phil Plait — albeit in not so many old timey adjectives. 

“If the Hubble breaks, it has nothing to do with planetary rotation – the thing has a zillion very sensitive parts,” Dr. Plait says. He should know. He worked on Hubble for 10 years. “Mecury Messenger (NASA’s space probe) passes Mercury next week (while the planet is still in retrograde),” Dr. Plait says. “What’s going to happen then?”

Sarcasm noted.

Weird Science Ten mysteries of the mind From sweet dreams to phantom pains, the brain is a befuddling place.

“The only people affected by the planets are astronomers … like me,” Dr. Plait said via telephone interview. “I go outside and look at Jupiter through a telescope and it’s cold, then I might get frostbite. There. The stars have affected my life.”

Dr. Plait is also the creator of the Bad Astronomy Web site and was recently named president of the James Randi Educational Foundation.

“Yes, the Amazing Randi,” Plait states in his online bio, where he also describes himself as “a skeptic, and fights misuses of science as well as praising the wonder of real science.” As such, he’s spent years studying a multitude of the world’s astrological practices and has yet to find any kind of proof, statistical or otherwise.

So, yeah. When it comes to Mercury, the only thing Susan Miller and Dr. Plait would probably agree on is that it’s a planet. And it moves. 

This is hypothesis I have no desire to test. Like most people, when it comes to science and what many call superstition, I have a great big fat disconnect.

I’m a huge fan of empirical data. I make no major purchase without first consulting Consumer Reports (where I proudly worked for 10 years). I scoff at my sister’s insistence that her “paranormal experiences” as a dazed and confused teenager were “real” rather than the result of various sundry chemical interactions.

And I’m positively flabbergasted that one of my vice presidential candidates believes dinosaurs and humans roamed the Earth together a mere 6,000 years ago.

I’m also one of Susan Miller’s six million unique readers who help crash AstrologyZone.com the first day of every month when the new horoscopes post. Late last month, I was keenly aware that, just as it does three or four times a year, Mercury was about to retrograde.

(September 24 — October 15, though as Miller always points out, a Mercury retrograde is especially devilish before and after it actually begins.)

So when a confluence of crap commenced raining on my head — nothing too horrible, just some swollen annoyances most of us associate with day-to-day living — I clung to my 8-page heavily highlighted September AstrologyZone printout and felt an eency bit better that things were obviously out of my control.

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