Why do people cheat? Dateline explores

Hoda Kotb Correspondent • Profile

Go ahead: Set the date.  Order the gown, the flowers, the photographer. Then, when you've said your I-dos and promised to be faithful forever, build your dream house, and your family. But keep this in mind.  No matter how carefully you've laid out your future together, chances are you never made plans for this…

Ed Hooke: I would sleep with this woman and come home, and lay down and put my arm around my wife.  And sleep with my wife.

Angela Sanders: I was literally shaking and-- and I knew-- I-- I strongly suspected what he was gonna tell me.  And-- and I was scared to death.

A new look at one of the oldest sins in the good book: Infidelity.

Hoda Kotb: Men cheat because they want sex.

Gary Newman: Absolutely not.

How can you tell when a spouse is about to go AWOL?

Joe Ussery: She'd be wearing something a little more provocative.  And still no interaction with me.

We know infidelity - lust and love - can all feel intoxicating. It's called dopamine.  And that is what is released and exists in very high levels during new lust.  And it's very addictive. 

But is that what makes us falter?  Or is it something else?  In the lab, science may be closer to finding out why some stay true and others drift.  And a new lie detector may spell doom for every cheating heart.

Hoda Kotb: Are you confident that when you take that MRI exam that you will pass that?

Ed Hooke: Yes.

When all is said and done, is a spouse's betrayal the worst that can happen to a marriage?

Sarah Symonds: The mistress is the one that's sitting at home lonely in emotional trauma.  But the husband's actually going home a happier, brighter man.

Infidelity now.  We'll go to the frontlines. Meet the betrayers -- and the betrayed.

For a long time, Marie Hooke of Connecticut thought marriage was fine -- for other people.  She'd been down that aisle before, only to have it end in heartbreak and divorce.  And then, as a single mother of three, she met Ed.

Ed Hooke: I thought she was beautiful.

So Marie gave into love, and hope, again. The two married in 1990.  For much of their marriage, Marie tried to shower her man with affection.

Ed Hooke: She would give me little notes in my lunch when she was making my lunch for me.

Hoda Kotb: You did?

Ed Hooke: She was--

Marie Hooke: What-- special ingredients to make any flavor ice cream that you could ever want.

Ed Hooke: Yeah.

And for the first four years of marriage, their sex life was healthy.  But then Marie admits the romance lost some of its bloom.  Injuries from a car accident and, later, menopause, sidelined her in the bedroom.   She thought Ed understood.

And then it was New Year's 2007.  Ed and Marie had been married more than 16 years.  One of Marie's daughters showed her a card she'd found: a love note written to Ed.  Trouble was, it wasn't from Marie.

Marie Hooke: It was one of those just between us kind of romantic little cards that said “soulmate” and you know, the beating of your heart, and I know how much you love me, when your arms are around me and it was signed by the woman, "Love," the woman's name.

Of course, Marie went straight to Ed.

Hoda Kotb: Okay, so did you feel like, "Oh my God, I'm busted."

Ed Hooke: Not yet, no I didn't.  I felt I could talk my way out of this.

He told her the woman was a coworker with an inappropriate crush on him.  Marie wanted to believe him, but insisted they go into couple's counseling.  Still, Marie's curiosity about that coworker grew.

Marie Hooke: So I decided that I was going to go meet her, to find out if in fact, what I'd been told was true.

Video   Recalling the moment of discovery Marie Hooke remembers when learned Ed, her husband of 16 years, cheated on her. Dateline NBC

She went into detective mode, figuring out when the woman arrived at work.  In February 2007, a month after reading that love note... Marie surprised its author outside her office.

Marie Hooke: I just said, "Listen, I don't-- I'm not here to confront you. It's just that, you know, I have some questions...

That day, over a cup of joe, the other woman spilled the beans about Ed, about her affair with Marie's husband.  That day, Ed came home to an empty house- and a letter from his wife.  Ed realized Marie was leaving him.

Ed Hooke: I started crying.  I thought, the jig is up, pretty much. 

Eventually, Marie did come home after Ed promised to stay in counseling, and leave the other woman for good.  He even confessed to another indiscretion: a few kisses shared with a second coworker.  Nothing more, he swore.

Marie Hooke: He was willing to do all the work necessary to repair-- repair our marriage, to recommit. 

Hoda Kotb: And could you look into the eyes that lied to you and believe him?

Marie Hooke: Then, yes, because I felt that he was confessing the truth.  

Things had been going so well in therapy that she and Ed decided to renew their wedding vows in a full church service.  Family and friends were shocked.  After all, it had only been a few months since Marie had learned of Ed's infidelity.

Hoda Kotb: So you know that there are women who are going to be listening to you and saying, he already cheated twice.  Like, how many times do we have to beat this woman over the head? 

Marie Hooke: Right, right.

Hoda Kotb: "What is wrong with her?" And your answer is--

Marie Hooke: Because when going to a therapist and they give you hope that if you follow these rules, you can rebuild your marriage.

Or was it wishful thinking?  Over the next year, the doubts resumed when Ed gave conflicting stories about his infidelity.

Hoda Kotb: Okay, so in counseling, you were tripping.  Did you notice that you were making mistakes?

Ed Hooke: No, I didn't. 

But Marie did. She went digging for clues, and found them hidden in a phone bill. The same number over and over again.  Marie dialed it and a woman picked up.  Only it wasn't the old mistress, or the other woman Ed said he had innocently smooched.  This was yet another “other woman.”

Marie Hooke: So Ed came home from work.  And I had her on speakerphone, and I said, "Hi, Ed.  I have so-and-so on the phone, and she's telling me a little story about the year 2002."

Ed Hooke: I totally denied everything.  I said to the other woman, "Why are you doing this to me?"

Hoda Kotb: Can I tell you something?  I wouldn't believe one thing he ever told me, from that day.

In fact, Marie didn't believe Ed. Woman number three revealed something else:  She'd slept with Ed, and so had that woman, the one Ed said he'd only smooched.  Eventually, Ed admitted them all: Mistresses one, two, three.  And then he confessed, there was still someone else.

Marie Hooke: Now we got four.

Hoda Kotb: Four.

Ed Hooke: Four.

Marie Hooke: Yeah.

Hoda Kotb: Are-- is that all there is?

Ed Hooke: Yes.

Ed now says his first affair began just six years into his marriage with Marie. 

Ed Hooke: I internalized it as, "She doesn't love me."

Ed said he just wanted more attention and affection.

Ed Hooke: Most of the time was after work, we'd go to a parking lot and talk and kiss and hold each other and comfort each other.  And I only slept with her one time.  That is not a lie.

But how do you know when a cheater is telling the truth?  As we'll see later, Marie has a crucial question to answer: Will she ever be able to trust her husband again?

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